I’ve been asked to write this blog on identity, not because I have any degrees or letters after my name but because I have been on a journey of transitioning my identify from one of guilt and shame to one of knowing that I am greatly loved by my creator, which has been life changing.
Beliefs about our identity are formed in our life journey, we confirm choices, beliefs and influences which builds a unique identity. Identity is who you believe you are, the way you think about yourself, the way you perceive other people think about you through connections including social media, all combine to define who you believe you are.
Examples of what we do: I am a singer, I make jewellery, I play basketball, I speak three languages, I am a Mum. Now these examples are common to others, but when we look deeper, each singer has a unique tone of voice, each basketballer has unique way they run and jump, becoming an expression of their identity.
Identity is recognised as a large commodity in today’s world with identify theft as a common crime today. Social media platforms are also gathering data to identify your online identity, so that marketing campaigns can specifically target your online presence all adding to quite a financial value. Identity has unique value, not just financially but in how you engage within your community or tribe, in what value you offer or what you take from those around you.
An acquaintance of mine, Robyn Merrilees[i] (who does have a degree), confirmed that as adults we can filter the things people say about us choosing to agree or disagree. Whereas children do not initially possess this filter, therefore children absorb statements, receive connections, and develop a sense of worth from those who have power to speak over them. First and foremost, its family, siblings or those that are carers during the first few years of life. Then friends, teachers, peers, groups, and connections. The things that are said over us and how we are made to feel can establish our beliefs and sense of identity.
Which leads to my story:
For me, junior primary was hell. I was in a class that was predominantly boys, however there was one girl who became the decision-maker or leader, developing a core group of two other girls. Together they became the ‘management team’ of the girls in that level. As the leader, she determined who was in and who was out, often rotating girls outside of that circle as she pleased. I was one who was rotated in / out and when out, I was taunted and bullied. The pain was so great, that all I wanted was to be in that group, finding value, identity and connection that made me feel powerful.
During this season, my identity and value had been so attacked that I believed I had no control, or capacity to make decisions that benefited me. I had no filter that could counter how degraded and worthless I felt, which I received as truth. I believed I was powerless to make a stand and I wanted strongly to belong to the group that caused me great pain.
The scars of low worth and shame have been with me for many years, guiding my decisions and impacting my relationships. I believed the following lies:
· Something was wrong with me.
· I was not good enough in my person, so I became a high achiever which is a hunger that is never satisfied. I had to perform or prove my myself to be valued by others.
· People would be disappointed if they truly knew me, so hiding behind a mask became the norm.
· I chose to exclude myself from others because I didn’t want to be criticised.
· I believed I did not have a voice. I was unable to speak when pressured OR at other times, forcing my voice to be heard.
· I had many fears about situations / opportunities such as walking into a room full of people and being overwhelmed with the fear that I would not be accepted.
I had become a victim and those negative words and taunts would play in my mind over and over. Those voices sounded like my voice because I had unknowingly agreed with negative words and accepted them as truth which set me on a journey of pain that stood for many years until I learnt that beliefs can be changed.
‘Satan (our enemy) is the accuser of the brethren[ii]. His thoughts are always negative, accusatory, point out others’ faults, blaming others, devaluing, dishonouring, and demanding of rights and justice. Resentment, bitterness and a heavy heart follow our enemies thoughts.’[iii]
By renewing my mind[iv], choosing to replace negative beliefs with positive truths, created a change which came from knowing how much I was loved and who I was purposed to be by my creator.
I began to believe and receive that: ‘God is love. God’s thoughts are positive, comforting, edifying, encouraging, accepting, valuing, and loving. Love ‘thinks no evil’[v]. Grace, forgiveness, and innocence follow-after His thoughts. For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil.[vi]
By replacing old thoughts with new promises, I was being strengthened with peace and grace as my beliefs changed and identity followed. I was also able to see the primary school group leader was living from core pain and I began to bless her with my words and thoughts.
We can be transformed by the renewing of our mind, by speaking positive statements and receiving affirmation from others by denying or pushing back the lies that keep us from the identity that we are created to walk in.
If anything, I have said is ringing bells for you, I suggest that over the next few weeks you ask yourself a question.
Identify and write down any negative beliefs about yourself, which are negative statements that you may often hear – like a pre-recording in your mind. Write them down, and then write down a positive statement that you can replace it with?
The positive statement becomes your goal and it might also help to break down the goal into small manageable steps, then make a strategy of what each of those steps might look like.
I found it helpful to allow others (who I trusted) to speak positively into my life and I would replace any negative words by stating: I am no longer …………………… but I am ……………….. and I choose to walk in this daily.
I can highly recommend the book: Experiencing Father’s Embrace by Jack Frost.
Choice brings change to your identity – so you are not stuck. Write them down, put them up in your home or on your phone, so you can see them to remind yourself of them.
If you stumble, know that you can get up and try again. You are accepted and valued above and beyond all that we can think about ourselves. Welcome to a new journey – you are greatly loved![vii]
As you seek to walk in the identity that is yours as purposed from your creator, if you are needing some support through this wrestle, – please contact us ………………. As we want to support you!!
Julie Mason
[1] Robyn Merrilees: https://robynmerrilees.com/
[1] Revelation12: 10
[1] Experiencing the Fathers Embrace – Jack Frost
[1] Romans 12:2
[1] 1Corinthians 13.5 NKJV
[1] Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV